did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
