Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
