I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
