I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
