dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
