***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
babies were throwing up all over the place
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
