I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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