So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
