His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
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A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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