she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
