seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
