ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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