he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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