the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
