I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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