You just made me feel so damn special
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
