I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
