from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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