Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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