McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
