I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
