I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
