i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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