she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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