I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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