So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
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I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
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i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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