Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
