grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
