do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
