Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
