There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
