dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
