I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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