Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
