I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
