My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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