dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
