Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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