I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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