Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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