my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
