she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
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what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Im part way to drunk.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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