How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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