if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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