we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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