I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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