mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
