We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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