Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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