Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
