Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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