I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
