I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
