When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
