i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
