At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
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At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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