i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize